God damn iPod touch

It's what I'm posting with at the moment. I'm not quite used to it yet, so it's a little annoying.
So here is a short poem about real keyboards.

No touch screens for me, I miss the clicking.
Though I'd often find my keyboard keys sticking.
Was it the soda? Was it the porn?
Yeah, probably my children who will never be born.

Haiku: Ninja

You will not see me.
You will not hear any sound.
As I masturbate.

Haiku: Cheese

Pepper Jack or Swiss?
No, I mean when you smile.
For the money shot.

Haiku: For you (you know who you are)

Bombarding my thoughts.
Like an asian invasion.
Pun not intended.

I want you!!!

Kind of.

I just want your ideas.  At least for Haiku's, I tire of brainstorming each subject.
So, either on facebook (which I'm assuming is 99% of my blog traffic) or on here, leave a comment with whatever you want my next haiku to be about.  I'll pick my favorite, and turn whatever it is into something offensive, disgusting, sick, etc.

Haiku: Lemonade

That's great lemonade.
What is your secret? Oh fuck...
That's a catheter.

Haiku: Michael J. Fox

Michael J. Fox needs
a "shakeweight" for his workouts.
Due to Parkinson's.

Terminator Salvation (in reverse)

(Credits)
 
   Terminator Salvation John Connor gives Marcus Wright's awesome heart back for his shitty impaled heart.  They then take a helicopter to the terminator base to rebuild it and return Kyle Reese and a little mute black girl.  They then go inside so that Arnold can repair John's shanked heart with his anti impaler.  But after that, John stops Marcus' heart by electrocution.  Arnold then again repairs Marcus' heart, but with his falcon punch of life.  Some computer tells Marcus about how he can save John in a million different ways.  John then gathers all the humans and puts them back into their cells. 

   John Connor exfiltrates the base and repairs a terminator motorcycle that was unfortunately caught on a trip wire.  Marcus walks back to the human base to have John YELL "I KNOW WHAT YOU ARRRREEE!!!".  Marcus then runs back to the human base while John makes explosions implode.  Other humans suck bullets back in their guns.  That one hot chick is get's unshot and stops lying on the ground to join Marcus for his run back to base.  She then leads him into a very well known secret entrance and ties him up with chains.  She hooks him up to a pulley system and grabs a chain and levitates effortlessly up 30 feet. 

   Marcus wakes up, bound by chains.  He then passes out to fade in and out of consciousness while being medically treated.  They realize that he's not a machine and in fact a human.  The next thing he remembers is a magnetic healing mine healing his leg, then inexplicably falling to the ground.  Some stuff happens... I forget.  But then Marcus lets the hot chick get raped.  He then picks her up and tangles her with a parachute into some power lines.  Feeling good about that decision, he skips on water up into the custody of the machines flying prison thing. 

   Marcus levitates from the ship to a bridge.  Kyle, and the little mute black girl get thrown from the flying prison back into a tow truck, with Marcus and drive in reverse down the highway.  They end up at a gas station (with no fucking slushies) and end up chasing a decepticon.  People hiding in the gas station are so happy that they offer them all of their food and water.  They jump into a jeep and travel back to some shitty broken car lot.  On the way a kind flying terminator notices that they may need to change tires in the future, so throws them a tire iron. 

   Marcus, at this point, is frustrated with communication between him and the young black mute girl.  So he stops the car at the shitty broken car lot, and unfixes the jeep.  They then went back to Kyle's base camp to puke out fresh coyote.  They wonder back into apocalyptic Los Angeles to chase terminators around, and make them hide. Marcus forgets where he is and decides to get naked and give his clothes to a dead guy.  John rebuilds a secret terminator facility after terminators graciously give life to all of his men.  Marcus then goes back to sleep and cyberdyne unrobots him.  He wakes up in the past to rip up a contract that allows his body to be used for science from a somewhat attractive chemo patient.

   (Movie Title)

Read more: http://www.cracked.com/forums/index.php?topic=77307.new#new#ixzz15zkVEiDL

Haiku: The one about rape

Tonight sex is an
Inevitability,
Because I'm stronger.

Call of Duty: Black Ops

Before We Start...

   First off, I almost feel as if I should not be writing this because I do not own the game. But, I've at least put up to 12 hours of play time on my friends game (this really cut into "Wilber's special time") so on that note, I will anyways (I already put the effort into the last two sentences).


COD: BO

    I was pretty excited for the release of the next call of duty game, even if it was Treyarch (A game developing company that I fucking hate). All of the previews looked excellent, they even featured one of Eminem's singles on one. Okay, I really wasn't that excited that a white man spoke in rhymes at a fast pace with computer made beats, but the graphics, game play, and the fact that it was a CoD game caught the shit out of my attention. Hell, I remember when CoD: Modern Warfare 2 came out, I was standing outside of my local gamestop for a couple hours in line to pick it up (getting tons of pussy).

    I know what you're thinking. "Wow what a fagot, who would wait outside in a huge line to play a stupid game". Yeah, I 'm reading your mind. I know where you are. I'll find you. But before that, I played the game that would start this CoD revolution, Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare. Okay this is where I feel a little nerdy... I have at least 30 days of play time on CoD4 alone. Meaning, time I was actually shooting shit, not when I just left the game on and went to sleep. Once again, I know what you're thinking "Wow get a life, you fuckin' nerdy virgin". But that's where you'd be wrong, I'm not actually a virgin. Sure there was a court case, but I was acquitted, so let's not worry about that. Well as I was saying, I spent a lot time playing this game, and honing my skills. So no matter what, my mind has been set on playing the newest installment.

OMG, I'm liek soooo excited.

    Yeah, seriously. Once again I'll mention I am too poor to afford the game, but I knew my friend would be bringing his copy from the midnight release, so I was still pretty excited, even If I was only going to watch. Kinda like a lesbian midget orgy, you know watching is gonna be awesome, but you can wait to join in (because your penis/vagina will seem huge in their tiny little hands). He started playing the campaign, and it was amazing. It was completely cinematic, the graphics, voice acting, and story were top notch. I about came when I thought about the lesbian midget orgy, and also really liked the single player campaign on BO (yeah, I'm just going to call it BO for now on).
    He got through about four missions before we agreed that he should switch to online multiplayer. This where I though would be the absolute best part of the game. CoD4 was by far the best multiplayer experience I have ever experienced in my experiences. It was beautiful, it played so well, and I played it for over a year. Then there was a shitty game called CoD: World at War. Which ripped off CoD4 and somehow made it shittier. Then, another year later MW2 came out. I wasn't addicted to it as much as I was to CoD4, but it was definitely appealing, and everyone was playing it.
    But MW2 was ruined by the lack of beta testing. They said their internal tests should clear up any bugs before release... and it didn't. It was nearly unplayable for the first month, after every thirteen year old found the glitches. Fortunately, they fixed most of it, and it was playable again. I uh... liked it enough to put about 7 days worth of play time in it. Fuck you. I even made some videos of me playing because I'm way too nerdy and have way too much time on my hands.  What I liked to do most out of all of the games was something called "quick scoping".  I'd rather not get into the details, but writing is mainly about details, so here are the details detailing "quick scoping".


 

   Yeah I'm a little too lazy to explain how quick scoping works, so there's a video.  Though I will give a brief explanation to whoever didn't watch it.  Basically I take a sniper rifle and rape anyone I see with it, no matter where they are.  I'm soo good with it, that Hitler thought I could commit the genocide by myself with it,  I was basically a pro.

Previously...
   I didn't start playing Call of Duty games until CoD4, and they have been very competitive and fun at the same time.  There are so many different weapons, perks, maps and ways to play.  It's like some sort of awesome, nerdy buffet.  That was CoD4 in a nutshell.  Then there was CoD World at War.  Which sucked for the most part, it was just like CoD4, except uh... not as good.  The campaign was good, but only because Jack Bauer was in it (I no longer refer to him as Kiefer Sutherland).  Multiplayer copied CoD4, but failed.  Some people like it, but since my opinion is fact, it sucked.
   Then there was MW2.  This was a very anticipated release, and has made over 1 billion dollars to date.  Somehow.  Like I mentioned earlier, the game was riddled with more problems than Jay Z (and still, a bitch ain't one).  But I toughed it out, and most of the things I didn't like were fixed or "patched" as it is commonly called in the online gaming world.  So once it was playable again, you can bet I was playing more than I would like to admit, and I've admitted a lot of terrible, terrible things.

Fuck, goddammit Treyarch.
   Seriously, this game looked better than a lesbian midget orgy (reoccurring joke, you like that?).  I was even more hyped up after watching the single player campaign being played.  Then, multiplayer happened.  At first it seemed pretty good, much like the rest of the CoD games (excluding WaW), there was the usual FPS faults, but other than that, it seemed good.  Then I finally unlocked the only bolt action sniper rifle.  It was a one shot kill to the entire torso, upper arms, and neck/head.  It doesn't tell you this, but I did my research before hand (remember, I have so much free time, and so little friends.  I mean I have little friends, as in lesbian midgets).  So naturally, me loving to quick scope and whatnot, I was pretty excited to unlock this weapon.  Turns out, Treyarch loves quick scoping as much as the KKK love black people.
   So, I was completely disappointed.  Quick scoping was almost the only way I liked to play.  Sure I could do well by just using the most over powered weapon in the game.  There's a satisfaction that I can't seem to articulate.  It's like losing your virginity every time you get a good quick scope.  And when you steal the kill feed (a list of who killed who at the bottom left of the screen), it's like losing your virginity at a lesbian midget orgy.  But for whatever reason, Treyarch, decided that they didn't like that and took it out.  So now not only can you not quick scope, but sniping like a pussy is even gimped.  Okay, so say before, when you scoped in, your bullet would land where ever the cross hair was aimed.  Now, even though you see the cross hair up, it still flies off in a random direction in front of you until about half a second has passed.  Now to people who don't  play games like this, half a second in a FPS is a very long time.  It is easily the difference between winning an engagement, or losing.

Well, fuck it...
   Like I said, it's still kinda fun.  Even though that one little thing kills almost all of the appeal to me.  I'll just keep my hopes up, and maybe a new patch will come out, once again allowing me to pwn people like I'm Oswald, and get pwned like I'm in a car with no roof.

Editors note: I need an editor.

Haiku: Sex

Sex is just a race.
Why should I feel any shame,
if I come in first?

Haiku: Curves

She's got sexy curves.
They resemble a racetrack
A racetrack I'd bone.

Holocaust Diet Plan

The Holocaust Diet Plan

   I see fat people, a lot.  They're everywhere.  At KFC, McDonalds, Arby's, Wal-Mart, and other obvious places.  But then there are places like Whole Foods, which seem to have mostly healthy food, yet Oprah seems programmed to find the most bodily harming food in the entire store.  They're overwhelming America, the country I'm completely gay for (Uncle Sam, our relationship needs to be brought out into the open).  We need a solution, and what I'm about to propose (hopefully I didn't give too much away with the title) may be just that.

Fat finding

   This is probably the easiest part.  The average fat person will be easy to spot.  You'll be able to immediately determine who's obese by their telltale roundness, eating habits, and size.  And in case you happen to be blind (and reading this somehow, you sorcerer) you maybe able to tell a fat person apart from a regular person by feeling for large amounts of soft, useless mass.  Please make sure it's not a giant stuffed animal.

Pictured above: Your average fat person.

      Once you've determined that a person is fat, using my complicated guidelines provide above.  Report them to authorities.  I hope over 60% of all military and police will be dedicated to marking the fatties.  All obese people must wear a truffle shuffle patch on their clothing at all times.  If they don't it will result in some sort of cheap punishment (like bullets, very cheap).  You also will be entitled as a citizen to make sure that people in size 30 pants are wearing their patch.  This will also help later, when the fath-ering begins.

 Fath-ering

   Okay, it's almost like it sounds, and if you guessed fathering, you're wrong.  Fath-ering is fatty gathering.  The best way this is done is to once again, check places like McDonalds and Burger King.  Social gatherings  may also be a good (and ironic) place to grab them.  This is the part we as good skinny, average, slightly above average weighted people will have nothing to worry about.  We also don't have to do anything except report the fats, as mentioned before.  So don't be alarmed when you see tons of a person being dragged out of their favorite McDonalds.  But that's in the later stages of the fath-ering process.

    At first, all the dozen doughnut dominators will be allowed to voluntarily turn themselves in for the beginning stage of fath-ering.  This will prove beneficial for them, because they will be allowed to grab whatever food we're not going to give them during their relocation to the ghettos, a suburban neighborhood consisting of cheap single story, 2 bedroom, and 1 bathroom housing.  This should help keep track of them, as well as break their spirits.

Though they may find ways to keep their spirits up.

   Hopefully the new camps that they will all be placed in will be all up and running shortly after everything begins.  Then we can sleep safely at night knowing that America's problem will soon starve.

Moving them?

   So you're probably saying "Will, I never knew you were this fucked up" or "How do we move that much weight from one place to another quickly?".  The answer is trains.  I thought about using airplanes, but they have a weight capacity.  Trains are the best answer, the average train car can fit at least 20 fat people, instead of a 100 attractively sized people.  Of course we will need to build trains that are much more powerful, the strongest train at the moment while carrying 20 cars loaded with fatties will only travel at 15 mph.  

   Once we build the proper transportation devices (awesome fucking trains), the obese will be lured out of the ghettos with what I will presume to be twinkies or donuts.  And probably rifles.  I mean ruffles.  The ghettos will be very close to the train tracks, about 500 feet away from the farthest house.  So making them all walk should take about 30 minutes to fath-er them into the boarding area.  They will all be separated into lines: old, young, healthy, sick, and one ton-ers.  All "healthy" facks (fat fucks) will do lots and lots of manual labor for no pay, like Malaysian sweatshop workers.  The one ton-ers will be drilled for oil.  And the sick, elderly, and young will probably be murdered.  Either way this leads to...

Concentration Famps.

    See what I did there?  I combined fat and... never mind.  These fatcilities (see what...) will be where we will have tons of fun.  This is where it will seem that everything has taken a turn for the worst for the fat people.  They will be fed small portions only once a day.  Five will have to squeeze into a ten person bunk.  Constant work and abuse.  A whale-like amount of fat jokes.  Torture via them watching people eat cake.  And of course exterminating whatever ones we don't like by making them watch us bake something delicious in the oven, and putting them in afterward.  

They bake easy.

    Some even try to escape from the famps.  Even if they make it passed the electric fences, guard towers, and dogs, they'll still probably run out of breath after 50 feet.  That will enable our guards to bring them back with a very large dolly.  And on a somewhat related note, if you wish to be a guard just apply.  We'll probably accept anyone with at least 1 year of high school, like any local sheriff office.  We will keep them here for at least a year.  Hopefully we kidnap some heavy set test subjects about a year earlier then the plan itself.  Because the goal is...

Refatshion

   Fuck it, you should know what I mean by now.  After it's all over, there should be no more meaty people in America.  Every potbellied person will either be dead or not fat.  We can then assimilate them once again into American culture and society.  They will arise from the ashes, not as pudgy people, but as skinny as the hottest E! celebrities.

Left: Angelina Jolie Right: Brad Pitt

 There will be people who care about human life... It's okay because...

Harboring huskies

   Don't even try, fat people are way too hard to hide.

In the end  

    We will be one true race of non-weighty men and women.  The world will be next.

Religion

It's actually really simple to me.

I feel that if there is a creator, he's just a lazy Sims player.  He just built everything, and then just left the game on.

Haiku: The Warmth

The warmth of sunshine
Yet wet like a waterfall
A golden shower

Haiku: Moisture

A wonderful dream
But I awake in moisture
I need underwear